ok,
so i started into this past weekend, sometime in june, 2012.

we started down the whole road that last couple days in July 2010.

seems like such a short time if you really look at it,
and what else is there to do.

there are things i wanted to do, from the beginning, (or is that from the end)
i wanted to keep my thoughts, so that i would be able to look back and remember things.

i didn't want to lose some of the things that have gotten away, but hey that's what memories are for, aren't they, to sort of almost keep the things that you can't physically put you hands on.

i kept a slightly running list, on my evernote account, maybe it's best just to cut and paste, then to edit them in my june 13th view.


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How to begin.

The first morning
Waking up, realizing that she was gone.
5:30am, roaming around the house.
Ending up in her hospital bed wrapped in all of her pillows and blankets.
Slept like a baby.

The first 'wait til I tell her' moment
Tuesday after, lunch with Rebekah and Steve from MS.
They still didn't know how much money, or who was playing.
When I was leaving the parking lot, it hit me.
Since then, it does happen a lot.

Why am I so fucking calm?
I do miss her and wish she was here, I do cry when I'm talking about things, but my acceptance is scary sometimes.


Why am I such a crying baby?

"It is crucial to know when it is appropriate to withdraw our attention from things that disturb our mind. However, if the only way we know how to deal with certain objects is to avoid them, there will be a severe limit as to how far our spiritual practice can take us."
- Lama Thubten Yeshe, "Introduction to Tantra"


isn't it funny, the last two entries?
'too calm', followed by 'crying like a baby'
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now back to june,
i'm still astounded by how i felt the morning of march 25th, how quiet the house was, how i sort of drifted through it like i had no substance either.

it was good, that much calm is always good.
it helped me sort of start planning what i had ahead of me,
start spreadsheets, break them down, this room, that room, category A, you know...

here we are, almost three months later, some's been done, some's still waiting.
although the addition of room mates wasn't an expected thing, and kind of threw the refiguring wrench into things.
and it's not finished it's twisting's and turnings.

"the wait til i tell her".

there sure have been a lot of those, from what people have done, to what nations have done, to how a story line followed through on one of our tv shows.

it wasn't traumatic the first time, and when it hits now, it still isn't.
most times it doesn't really matter anyway,
or i guess i'll tell her the next time i see her.

ok that's as much of the catching up as i can do right now.



the real deal falls back to the whole 'what the hell do i do now' phase of things.
don't remember that in any of my self help books, or ms. kubler ross's list of levels!

there was a thought that stuck in my mind early this year, the old "you're born alone, you die alone"
don't really remember the first part, i might have been alone, might have been in the middle of the circus.

but the last part i wanted to do everything i could do to make sure it wasn't true.

i've heard, and seen, and read, that people say, (those pesky people), that hearing is one of the last things we lose at the end.
it might just be something said, to make the living feel better, but it was high on the list of things i wanted to push.

i tried very hard, especially in the final weeks, to always be close by, to sit with jackie, to keep in contact with her.
if i was near her, i wanted her to feel my touch.
to know i was there, if she was sleeping, or under the fog of the drugs, or wide awake.

i would just be as close as possible, and always in contact.

same with the hearing part, if she was sleeping poorly, fidgeting, restless, i would be as close to her as i could, and i would talk to her, constantly.
(yea, i can hear some of you saying, big surprise, the problem has always been to get you to shut your mouth)

at the suggestion of my counselor, when i told him i wouldn't be going back to work until it was all over, i told her that i was using my vacation time so we could just have a vacation for the two of us, to be together, and to remember all the fun and good times.
she did like that idea.

we would sit and talk about things, sometimes the not so fun upcoming thing, and sometimes just stuff that we did, or remembered.
i know it helped me, i like to think that it helped her as much.

earlier we had kind of come across a combination of a healing touch, coupled with a hands on meditation to draw down her pain, her fears.
she liked it, really felt that it helped calm her, ease her burden.

often i would just hold her, and quietly whisper to her.
"i love you, i'll love you forever"
it became almost a mantra, just to say it, just for her to hear it, to know that no matter how far she was, i was touching her, talking to her, not holding her back, but trying to stay with her as far down the path as i could be.


when the pain hits now, i know it is my pain, my sorrow.
i know she is beyond all of that, and is at peace.

a lot of people talk about our lost ones looking down on us, watching over us, i don't know that i can believe that.

someone filled with love, filled with compassion couldn't be in that place of eternal peace and still see the day to day life of us living.
i don't know how they could do it, and not be filled with compassion with sorrow to see their friends, and family.

that's a big reason that i follow what i do, to know that she is in a place of total peace, and compassion for all souls, all living energy.
her energy goes out to the world, the universe, washing each and all with compassion, the hurting, the happy, the loved, the complete unknown.

the old T-shirt, showing the Buddha on the front at the hot dog vendor's cart. "i'll take one with everything"

so, there you have the truth of it all.

jackie is truly our little hot dog in the sky!

namaste